Cut the Shit

My life is complete chaos right now. I will try to post tomorrow.

THE SHOW IS IN 3 DAYS!

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Well!

The show opens in 4 days! I could puke all over myself. I am that nervous.

I woke up yesterday and turned to Paul and said “I don’t think I can do this show anymore. It was a bad idea and I’m not ready and I have to back out of it and I am not an actor and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”

I started to shake and freak out. Paul was amazing. He immediately calmed me down and held me for a couple of minutes. I leaned into him and allowed him to take away the stress. Thank God for his comfort and assurance.

We were able to work everything out between us on Saturday night and I am very happy with the outcome. We both listened to each other and he took some of the blame for the fight that we had. It was very comforting to know that we have gotten so far into our relationship that we can listen to one another and understand where the other person is coming from. It’s taken 3 and a half years to get to this point, yet it has been well worth the wait.

I have three more rehearsals until the big opening night. I couldn’t be more excited or more scared about it. I am in a horrible mood today and hope that I can get out of it before I go there tonight. To be honest, I really hate my job and it’s been wearing down on me for the last couple of weeks. There is nothing I want more than to ditch these shitheads here and move on in my life. I have had just about enough of their smart mouths and lazy fucking attitudes. Being the administrative whipping boy has taken its toll on me. I fucking hate my job. FUCKING hate it. Fuck fuck fuck wish I could find a way to get out of here fuck.

My friend Angie’s grandmother passed away this morning. The funeral is on Wednesday. I feel terrible for her, but we all knew this was coming. She has been incredibly strong throughout this whole process and I am very proud of the way that she has handled herself. Instead of shoving all of these emotions out of her mind, she has dealt with it head on. I’m not sure if I would have done it that way if our situations were reversed. I hope she realizes that she has Kelly and I to lean on, should she need to take us up on that offer.

Alright, that’s it for today. Time to go get out of my shitty mood. Seriously, I feel like I could kill someone today.

Grrrrr….I fucking hate Mondays.

I just bought my costume for the show! AY YI YI!

It cost me $50 and that pisses me off, since I will never be wearing these clothes ever again, but it was something that I had to do. Theater careers are so expensive! I think it looks pretty good though. It’s just a couple of t-shirts and some REALLY lame jewelry. The one good thing, though, is that one of the t-shirts for the show is going to surprise my housemates from college. The picture on the front is an inside joke with me and my girls. YAHOOOOO!

So Paul called KELLY yesterday. Not me.

He called her to let her know that he is coming by my apartment on Saturday night to talk about our relationship. When Kelly told me the news, I was immediately pissed off. He calls HER? I have called him twice this week and he hasn’t returned any of those calls, but he feels that it’s appropriate to call her and tell her that he is coming over. That’s fucking lame and I’m still angry about it.

Too bad for him that I already made plans on Saturday night, so it doesn’t seem as though we are going to get together to talk. I just called him again and left a message and told him that I would be willing to change my plans if he could give me a definite time of arrival at my place. I'm still thinking about it.

If he doesn't take this seriously, he can go fuck himself and I won’t deal with his nonsense until after the show.

The thing is…I totally fucked up last Friday night. I have dealt with that and have admitted it over and over. Paul deserves an apology and I am more than willing to give it to him. BUT, and this is a BIG BUT(T), he needs to understand that he is in a RELATIONSHIP with me and with that comes certain responsibilities. SUCH AS calling back your boyfriend, no matter how hard it is. I know for a fact that he still wants to work things out and be with me because he said all of that to Kelly on the phone yesterday. However, calling my best friend to ask her if she can make arrangements on my behalf is not only offensive, it’s fucking immature.

Needless to say, I am very much not in the mood to talk to him right now. I was, but I’m not anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. Yes, I want to be with him, but he needs to make much more of an effort to be a normal human being. Not a selfish baby, like he has been for the last 3 years. I’m through with kowtowing to his every need. I am supposed to be dating a MAN, not a little child.

GAH!

He pisses me off more than anyone else in the world does. Maybe that’s love or maybe that’s hate. I’m not quite sure yet.

Rehearsal last night was incredible. I was able to reach a few new levels and I even shocked myself with some of what came out of me. It was an invigorating and monumental rehearsal for me. And it made me even more excited for the show…if that’s even possible.

Ok…thaz it fo today!

I got a ton of shit to do at work and I have to get my ass in gear for rehearsal tonight.

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

Please God let it better than last Friday.

Since I have had a horrible couple of days, I have been unable to write about all of the shit that has happened since last Friday.

Here is the quick low down:

1) On Saturday night, I met a guy named Joe at a bar that we all went to. He is 39 years old, kinda cute, but kinda nasty at the same time. He had nice pecs and I was in the mood to be wanted, so after talking to him for a little while at the bar, Kelly, Angie, Mariah and I went over to his high-rise building in Hells Kitchen to have a few drinks and hang out. He has the most unbelievable view any of us have seen in the city. It was absolutely beautiful. After hanging out there for awhile, the girls left and I stayed behind to get to know him a bit better. Within minutes of the girls leaving, Joe asked if he could kiss me. My immediate answer was “No”. He proceeded to beg for the kiss for about 10 minutes and I finally was like “Fine, whatever”. Big mistake. Instead of giving me a nice, manly kiss, Joe came at me and started to lick my lips. I was like “Wha? HORK!”. He licked them for like 30 seconds and then I pulled away. His question was “Did you like the kiss?” My answer was “I have to go now”. I used the bathroom and bolted from his apartment. “But wait…don’t you want to exchange phone numbers?” I replied “Sure, but I can’t call you for at least a month. I am in a play and don’t have any time for anything else right now.” I gave him my number and took off. He called yesterday and left a message. I laughed and deleted it. That will teach YOU to lick my lips in an indulgent and grotesque manner.

2) As we were walking to Joe’s apartment that night, something absurd happened. Out of nowhere, I feel something slam into my back. My first reaction was “Someone through something at me cuz I’m gay!” (Damn, I can be so lame) I turned around to see what was thrown at me and what did I see? A pigeon (!) lying on the ground next to me, totally disoriented. I saw the girls, walking farther behind me, laughing hysterically. Turns out, Kelly had tried to pull a feather from one of the wings of the pigeon and scared it so badly that it flew directly into the center of my back. Um.

3) Things with Ian and I are going very well. We are starting to settle into a real friendship now. He talks to me about things going on in his life and vice versa. I feel much more comfortable around him now and I can tell that he feels the same way. He told me last night that he is going to burn the new Dave Matthew’s disc for me. Well! I mean, if you’re giving away presents…bring em on! I just love this kid. I hope we continue to get to know each other after the show ends.

4) I sent out 50 headshots and resumes to talent agencies in NYC. I have yet to receive a single phone call in response. I am following up my letters with a reminder postcard about the show. There isn’t much more I can do beside that, except pray. The headshots and the postage together cost me about $100. Last night at rehearsal Ian and Sarah both announced that they have gotten interviews with commercial and film agents from the letters they sent out. I did my absolute best to be a good sport about it, but deep down it hurts. I put in so much effort into my letters and so far it seems as though I flushed all of that time and money down the toilet. All I can do is count on God to guide this endeavor as well as the rest of my career. If this performance is not meant to net me an agent, then that’s fine. I have to trust in him and not get upset if other people get a better response.

5) I got a new hamster last night! Right after work, I went to the local pet store and picked up my new baby. He looks exactly like Neechee, cept he is a bit bigger. The employee at the store told me that it wasn’t a good idea to put a new male into the cage with an existing male, but I told him that I wanted it any way. When I got home, I introduced “Jim” to “Kimberly” and they hit it off immediately. When I returned to the apartment after rehearsal, they were sitting together having tea. It was the most adorable thing I have ever seen. Them with their little mugs and cigarettes in their hands. Tre cute. Cept not so much tea and cigarettes as them eating sunflower seeds. You understand.

6) Paul still hasn’t called me since our fight. Although my friends tell me that he misses me and loves me, I still feel a bit concerned about the whole thing. I am going to let him take as much time as he needs. But with the next 3 weeks of my life being an emotional and chaotic roller coaster, I could really use his support. I suppose I did this to myself. But I would feel much better about everything if I had the boy that I love there with me every step of the way.

7) Although I haven’t had any agents call to reserve a ticket for the show, my friends and family have reserved 60 tickets! Considering that the space only holds 40 people at a time, this is a great accomplishment. I have the most wonderful and supportive people in my life and everyone wants to come. It makes me feel incredibly loved. Especially since I haven’t done a single thing in this city since I moved here back in 2001. So maybe it’s okay if no one from the industry comes for me. It is most important that I have those I love around me.

8) I have been on the most strict diet for the last 3 weeks and guess what? It’s WORKING! I have lost 10 pounds at this point and I am hoping for another 5 by the time the show opens. I feel so much better in my skin and my clothes fit me better than they have in years. What have I done to lose this weight? Eat MUCH less and when I do eat, it has to be healthy. Low calorie, low fat, high protein. Who knew? Everyone in the world, but me. Now that the excess weight is coming off, I never want to return to the days of pizza and McDonald’s as my staple food source. Well, except for when I am drunk. Cuz what is better that pizza and McDonald’s when you are wasted? NOTHING!

And that’s it!

Thank you to everyone for the kind words yesterday. I really needed it. I felt so horrible about what happened with little Neechee. But today is a new day and the sun is shining and I feel ready to continue on with everything that I have been working on.

You are all the breast.

As if things couldn’t get any fucking worse…

I woke up this morning and noticed that the top to my hamster cage was left open last night. I had fed them before I got into bed and somehow forgot to close the cage. When I got out of bed this morning, I noticed that hamster Neechee was missing. I immediately started to panic. I looked all around my room and couldn’t find him. I thought maybe he got out of my bedroom and was walking around the apartment. But if that was the case, our cat would have made some commotion to let us know that something was going on.

I looked everywhere for the little guy and I couldn’t find him. Finally I decided to get into the shower as I was already making myself incredibly late for work. I walked over to the broken box fan that sits on my floor and turned it off. (I have to be careful not to slice my fingers off, because the grill of the fan is busted and hanging open) It was then that I found my little guy. He had somehow walked into the blade of the box fan, clipped his nose on it and bled to death on my rug.

Neechee is dead now.

The second I saw him, my heart went into my throat. He looked so little and sad and…dead. His body was perfectly intact, but his nose had dried blood on it. After I took a moment to compose myself, I went into the living room to get Kelly. She came in with me and saw poor little Neechee dead on the rug. I was just standing there shocked. Kelly immediately went and got some paper towel and I wrapped him up in a plastic bag and she disposed of him.

Then I came to work.

Once here, my boss proceeded to send me one obnoxious email after another about how my voice is too loud on the phone. He says that I talk to my mother too loudly. I immediately freaked out and wrote him back, basically telling him that of all the petty shit he could have slung at me this morning, this had to take the cake. We wrote nasty emails to each other until I just stopped communicating with him altogether. I just can’t do it today. Why the FUCK should I have to put up with this stupid stupid shit? I work too hard at my job to be criticized as though I was in fucking middle school.

I can’t get the image of Neechee’s dead body out of my mind. God, I hate today. Why the hell was I so irresponsible as to leave the top off of the cage? Mother fucker.

My friend Mariah called this morning and told me that she saw Paul yesterday. According to her, Paul misses me and is very upset that we are not speaking right now. Truth be told, the entire fight was my fault. I took it to a level that was not at all appropriate and I have been feeling terrible about it ever since. Paul shouldn’t want to be with me after what I did.

Yet he does. Want to be with me. He told Mariah that he loves me very intensely and wants nothing more than for us to work through the issue we are dealing with right now. He is being very level headed and fair about this. I wish he was here right now to give me a hug.

God, I feel like I could burst into tears.

I had one of the most random, most horrifying weekends of my life.

Without having to get too deeply into the logistics of it all, Paul and I had a huge fight on Friday that ended with us breaking up. It was a drunken brawl and I am still unsure as of right now if the break-up was for real. He hasn’t called me since then. And probably rightly so. I acted like a complete lunatic and hurt him pretty badly.

I haven’t been feeling the same since.

Last night I had a terrible dream that kind of sums up my entire weekend.

I was in my bedroom playing with my hamsters, Kimberly and Neechee. As I was playing around in the cage, I noticed that there were tons more hamsters resting under the shavings of their cage. I put the lid back on the cage and as I turned around I saw that there were hundreds of hamsters milling around my bed, my dresser, my computer, etc. There were also big hamsters that look like chinchillas. It was absolutely terrifying and gross.

I looked back into the hamster cage and saw that it was filling up with more and more of them. I opened up my bedroom window and started throwing them out the window. As I tried to grab them off the floor, they bit me over and over and I specifically remember the pain I was feeling in the dream. It was their teeth chewing on my skin. I then grabbed a bath towel and started picking them up and breaking their necks and throwing the dead bodies out of my window. I couldn’t move nearly fast enough. They were all over my room.

The lid on the cage started to come off as the hamsters filled it up. As I tried to shove the lid back down, I sliced through a couple of their bodies and there was guts and blood all over the place. I started calling for someone to come and help me, but no one did. Eventually I just stood in my room and watched as the hamsters started to take over everything. It was fucking scary and it was fucking nasty.

I woke up and stared at the wall for like 10 minutes, wondering why I had such a horrible dream.

Figures. Perfect representation of my weekend.

I feel sad today. I fucked up over the weekend with Paul and now I carry the guilt of our fight.

I have so much to do this week. Our show opens a week from Friday and today I just don’t feel excited. Instead I feel sad and alone. I wish I hadn’t screwed up so badly with my boy.

I have rehearsal every night this week and at this point, it seems as though I will never make it through to Friday.

I also go to the dermatologist at 4pm today to see if I can get this dry skin/rash thing on my face taken care of once and for all.

I hope tomorrow’s a better day.

oh YES! It is ALMOST THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!

I couldn’t be any more excited.

Back in the day when I used to go home every day after work and get drunk cuz I had nothing better to do, I felt as though I never really earned my weekends. Now, it is the ONLY time that I have to do my errands, have some fun, suck down a vodka tonic or 11 and stay up past 2am for pure ENJOYMENT! My boss told me today that I look really run down. Thanks boss, but also, he couldn’t be more right. So tired, so worn out, so EXCITED to perform this PLAY!

(ok, calm down a bit Joe)

I just farted I got so excited.

My mom just called. She is coming to the show THREE TIMES! Not only is she coming down for both Saturday performances, she is taking a train down with some friends of hers from work to go to the Thursday night performance as well. She is so damn cute, I feel like I could die with love.

UM!

One of the students that is a member of the organization I work for just came in and told me that she and a couple friends of hers are coming to the show too! They just made reservations. AY YI YI! I feel so supported and loved. Man, I better do a good job. OK, change of topic, I’m getting so nervous my bowels are starting to bubble up!

So last night I got home to find little hamster Neechee sitting on TOP of his rolling ball. (I bought him this little plastic ball that he can use to run around my room.) When he’s not running through my bedroom all willy nilly, I put the ball in the cage so he can continue his exercise routine. Well, last night I found him on top of the ball with his hands pressed against the lid of the cage. He was totally trying to get out. I took the lid off and he crawled right into my hand. I then let him run around my room for a bit inside his ball of love. Kimberly, the gender-bending hamster, decided she wanted out too and when I picked her up, she immediately crawled into the crevice of my neck and went to sleep. It was so fucking cute that I almost started to cry. But then I realized that crying was a bit over dramatic, so I settled for eating her out. You understand.

About a half an hour later, and after I smoked myself a bowl of the pot, I realized that I had forgotten all about Neechee running around my room. I went to find him and noticed that he had escaped from the ball. Frantically I looked everywhere for that little guy and guess where I found him? Inside one of my dirty socks! I knelt down by the sock and when he peeked his head out, he got so scared by my gigantic head staring back at him. I picked up the sock and put him back in his cage. He had had enough fun for the evening.

Ok, so when I was at lunch today, I almost ran into a blind lady being guided around by her Seeing Eye dog. I stepped around her as she breezed past me. Suddenly, and without any warning, the dog stopped moving and took a huge crap on the sidewalk. Right in front of the local food market. I watched her, wondering what she would do next. Without hesitation, she grabbed a plastic bag from inside her pocket, squatted next to where the shit was and felt around until she found the huge smelly pieces. She picked each piece up, wrapped it together, and threw it in the trash. My first instinct was to doubt that she was blind, considering that she performed the whole exercise with such expertise. But no, she was truly blind and she cleaned up after her dog more efficiently than 85% of this cities dog owners. It was a sight I won’t forget for a long time.

What else, what else…

Last night as I was coming home from rehearsal, I walked right by the Making the Band 2 folks filming some sort of promotional video. It was so cool. I very rarely stop and gape at things that happen in Times Square. (that is just sooooo tourist) But when I saw Babs and Fred and Chopper chilling out, I had to stop and be as lame as possible. I just LOVE those guys. I am SO buying the album when it comes out. Cept don’t tell anyone, k? I don’t want anyone to think that I am turning all gangsta style. Fucking gangsta be droppin mad hits yo.

snore.

Ari just got into a HUGE fight with one of my co-workers and it was (by far) the best moment of my whole day. Ari screamed out “You are a PSYCHOPATH” and then proceeded to mock her until her face turned a shade of beet and she was forced to walk away and stew in her office. It was HILARIOUS! And also, it was EROTIC. Cept not so much erotic. Ah the days of working with oil and vinegar. I will surely miss them when my theater career takes off.

Alrighty oh! Tonight we are painting the theater space while running lines. Someone had mentioned that we could drink beers during it and although no one has mentioned it since, I have decided that it is my personal responsibility to pick up a case and bring it over. Cuz, if you are going to offer up the possibility of having beer at rehearsal, then you can count on me to take that offer and make sweet, sweet love to it.

HOT!

Friday, Friday around the corner
I couldn’t be(!) any more hornder.
I will eat and drink and smoke away my life,
And cut on my genitals with a super sharp knife!

What will YOU do this weekend?

IMPORTANT NOTICE

If you sent me a donation for my upcoming production (you know who you are), please send me an email indicating the following things:

1) How you want your name listed in the program
2) What your home address is so the company can send you a thank you letter
3) If you like Chocolate Cake. (just cuz I am curious)

If you can, do this ASAP. I want to turn in your information tonight at rehearsal.

Thanks again to all of you who donated. Without you, this production would never have happened!

Much love.

So it figures.

Now I don’t like Ian anymore.

I just thought about what I was doing and decided that I needed to put an immediate halt on it. What’s the point in sitting around and fantasizing about something that could never happen? I was just getting wrapped up in the whole “I am in a show with a cute boy” syndrome. Usually I NEVER have crushes on guys that I am in shows with. I prefer not to date people in the entertainment business cuz they tend to be incredibly selfish, emotionally erratic, and overly dramatic. Basically, all of the qualities that represent me. So why would I want to date someone exactly the same?

Answer: I wouldn’t.

Ian is SO not my type. I don’t know why I let it consume me yesterday. I think it’s because I have a real problem with wanting guys that I can’t have. UGH! At 26 years old, I should REALLY be over that petty shit by now. Ah well. Maybe at 36 it will be different.

Rehearsal was ok last night. We were all a little off, not totally focused. I found Ian’s performance to be better than it has been in the past, but I found his attitude to suck big time. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He is a very aggressive, macho type of person, so it’s hard to read him all the time. He is usually sweet with me and lowers his guard within the first couple of minutes of us being together. But last night, something was off. Our subway ride home was filled with weak conversation and to be honest, I felt like some of it was strained. He was telling me about his girlfriend and how he doesn’t know if they will end up together. I tried to be as supportive as I possibly could, but after awhile, his attitude was bugging me so much that I had to just ditch the whole conversation. We sat in silence for a couple stops and then I was like “See ya later.” He realized that I was pulling away, so he tried to step it up a bit, but it was too late. I turned my back and walked out the door.

Gosh, so much game playing that it’s making me want to puke on his face.

In any case…

Tonight, Kelly and the other owners of the Theater Company are going to meet the playwright’s best friend to discuss everything that is happening. He will tell them what nights he is coming to the show as well as what night the playwright’s parents are coming. It is SO exciting for us and I know that everyone involved in this production is completely thrilled. We are going to be performing for people that KNEW John Russell! Wow. It’s totally unreal.

In the show, Kelly and I have to carry around notebooks that we store our poetry in. My character is often described as a “tortured poet” and Kimberly is quoted at saying “I have all of these feelings, I need to get them out somehow”. It’s quite an ingenious concept, considering that when I was 17, I carried a notebook filled with poetry and thoughts as well. To delve further into our characters, Kelly and I have been writing daily entries into these books.

Here are two sample poems that I have written. Now remember that I am writing as a 17-year-old closet case that is in love with a 17-year-old straight boy (interesting parallels, eh?):

TRUTH

Truthfully I adore you.
Your eyes – so beautiful
So intense
So focused.
So real.

Why does this hurt so much?
Deep aching from the inside out.

I shouldn’t love you.
But I do.


LIES

You fucker.
You lied to me.
Why do you hurt those that love you?
Why do you make me cry?
You do it on purpose.

Asshole!
You see me follow you.
You see me trust you.
You see me want you.
You see me give my heart without question.
And you don’t care.

It’s done.
I’m walking away from you.
I’m leaving you behind.
No more tears will be wasted on you.
No more nights spent sleepless.
Goodbye.
Forever.


Hilarious, right? I love writing like a little kid. Not that this journal is much different. I just call it “little kid writing” so you won’t judge me. Fucking stop judging me. Fucking judgers.

And I will leave you with that.

It’s so sunny in NYC today. I’m thinking it’s the calm before the HURRICANE!

ISBABELLA SNORES!

I won’t care about it unless it sucks the subway system up into the eye and then spits it out over Jersey. Then I won’t have to go to work! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOpth.

Peace!

Stupid Joe. Stupid stupid stupid.

I have been SO good with my eating habits lately. I’m talking seriously good. I have cut fast food completely out of my diet and I have limited my portions to an amount that is suitable for the not so growing boy that I am.

That is, until last night.

Paul got to my place around 9pm. I had already eaten dinner and was working on a bowl of Fruity Pebbles when he surprised me at my apartment. At 11pm, he wanted to go to McDonalds to grab a burger and I thought that since I have been so good lately, that I could have some Donald’s too. Well, I ate a grilled chicken and some french fries and for the rest of the evening, I lay in bed clutching my stomach. At 5am, I finally got out of bed to rid myself of the garbage and now at 11am, I sit at my desk burping up puke filled hatred from the depths of my stomach. Why oh WHY did I eat McDonald’s at 11pm?!?!?

Fucking stupid! A waste of calories and even worse, my stomach is RAGING today. I feel like shit.

There is a reason why I am typing this entry so early today. I have to get some things off my mind.

Things about Ian.

Fine, I admit it. I like him. I like him a lot. I have a HUGE crush on him. There’s nothing I could do…it just happened. There is no doubt in my mind that I have lost the bet to Kelly and that I will be doing her laundry. At this point, I can’t even hide the fact that I am swooning heavily over this straight boy. GRRRRR….

I had a feeling it was coming, but now there is no denying the fact that I want him for my own.

On Friday night, Ian and I went out for drinks so that we could have the chance at getting to know each other better. We started at a sports bar and after one drink, I moved us over to a gay bar that was down the block. I just felt more comfortable with him there, rather than competing with the rednecks playing beer pong at a nearby table. Ian was very open to moving to a gay bar.

Ian and I talked about everything. Our families, our past relationships, our thoughts on the show, theater in general, hopes, dreams, and desires. He is an incredibly interesting person and he is a lot of fun to talk to. The play flirting continued throughout the evening and I finally just had to ask him if he was ever “bi-curious” in his life. I was very shocked at his answer. And I wish that I could dive in and explain it all in here, but it’s not fair of me to do that to him. Everything I was told was to stay in complete confidence. So I will keep it that way. But let’s just say that Ian is open to the idea of having a gay relationship, with the right guy.

Ian told me that I was incredibly good looking. He told me that I am unlike any of the other gay people he has met. He told me that he likes hanging out with me and talking to me and that he wants us to get together this week to spend more time with each other.

Ian also told me that he has purchased an engagement ring for his girlfriend and that at some point over the next couple of years, he hopes to propose to her and begin their life together.

After hanging together for a couple of hours, Ian asked me to go to his apartment so that I could see his pad and meet his girlfriend. I did go and was a bit overwhelmed. His girlfriend is AMAZING. She is pretty and sweet and a bit shy. Ian talked about me to her as though he and I have been friends for a really long time. He showed me numerous pictures of his family and friends and when it was time for me to go, he and his girlfriend walked me to the subway. It was one of the most thoughtful things any new friend has every done.

Ian and I spent a great deal of the night talking about our friendship and about the little quirks that drive the other person crazy. He says that sometimes he feels like I want to be his friend and sometimes he feels like I want nothing to do with him. That’s a fair assessment. When I mentioned that I was unhappy with the way our kiss went last Thursday, he said that he felt the same way and that we should practice a bit tonight before we start the rehearsal. I was all for it. (obviously)

We made tentative plans to go costume shopping this weekend and also to get together one night before rehearsal to work on character development and line memorization. Both his ideas.

The reason all of this bothers me so much is two fold:

1) I really like Ian. I like him a lot. Definitely more than I should. I’m not like “in love” with him or anything, but I do have a serious crush on him. Physically he’s not really my type, but conversationally, I can’t get enough. Sometimes, when I think about him, it makes my stomach hurt. Sometimes when I know that I won’t see him again for a couple of days, it makes me frustrated and a bit sad. Cuz I KNOW I can’t just pick up the phone to call him and see how he’s doing. To do that with a straight boy would be…well…gay. I have a boyfriend and things are going well. I’m not at all in the place to be looking for other guys. But why does it seem as though every guy I meet, I fall for. ESPECIALLY if they are straight or committed in another relationship. Even more especially, if they’re both. Ian does not want to date me. He does not want to drop his girlfriend of 3 years for me. I don’t want to do that with Paul either. But why do I feel so intensely about this? Why?

2) Ian has worked very hard at his relationship with his girlfriend. He has never cheated on her, although she has cheated on him. He is dedicated, caring, sweet, and kind to her…all parts of his personality that no one else in the show has seen, beside me. They have a wonderful rapport together and it is very clear to me that they are deeply in love. It is not my place to make Ian question his relationship, his sexuality. If I see a loophole in his theory, it is not right for me to capitalize on it. This is one person that I can’t have and I have to understand that. It isn’t fair for me to do anything to jeopardize any of this.

Ian and I have the potential to become really good friends. It is totally possible that we will get through this experience and become incredibly close. I want that. I really do. I want to have a straight guy friend that I can talk to and learn from. But why do I ALWAYS fall for them? It’s because I can’t have them, right? It’s because it is the ultimate challenge and I am bored unless I try to go for it. But it’s not like I am doing it intentionally. The feelings I have for him have happened against my better judgement and there seems no way for me to separate reason from logic.

Fuck.

I don’t know.

All I do know is that I am really excited to spend time with him at rehearsal tonight. I am excited to kiss him and I am excited to help him in his part for the show. I am excited to talk to him, be around him, and for him to make me feel important.

I am majorly confused as to why this is happening to me…again.

HOLY FUCK!

I just got the biggest and most wonderful news EVER!

Are you sitting down? Cuz if not, please do so.

Kelly just called me at work and told me something that is BLOWING OUR MINDS!!!

Ok, here is the quick backstory:

The guy who wrote the play we are doing, John Russell, died of AIDS before the show debuted off-Broadway. Due to the circumstances surrounding his death, the play had a very short run and closed a month or so after opening.

Now, in order to get the copyrights for this production, Kelly and Megan have been talking directly with friends of John Russell about the guidelines for doing the show.

WELL!

Kelly just received a phone call from the guy who handles the copyrights and he told her that not only is HE coming to see the show, so are the PARENTS of John Russell! And not only are THEY coming to see the show, but their BUSINESS INVESTOR is coming as well and if they like what they see, they are going to talk to us about INVESTING IN THE PRODUCTION!!! UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

This is HUGE news.

HUGE.

I mean, of course, it could mean nothing. It could just be a really big compliment to us by having actual friends and family of John Russell be at one of the performances. OR it could go as big as Broadway. Really, the possibilities are endless. It’s dependent on a number of things, but I can’t BELIEVE that we are going to have the honor of having these IMPORTANT and INFLUENTIAL people in our audience! FUCKING YAY!!!!!!!!!!

This is especially good news since last night we rehearsed the ending of the show for the first time and let me tell you…it is GOOOOOOOOD. By the last scene, Kelly and I were both sobbing on stage and it was incredibly powerful. And it was only our FIRST time through the scene. We all left rehearsal a bit overwhelmed and absolutely stoked about the progress we are making.

Holy shit my head is spinning off its axis right now.

God is so good. He gave me this show to do and all of the wonderful experiences that have come out of it. And now he’s giving us the chance to take this show to the next level.

I have never been so excited for anything in my entire life.

Could this be the start of my career?!!?!?!?!?!

Ian and I are off to drinks tonight. We kissed onstage for the first time last night and it was incredible. He handled it with style and grace and we grew even closer as friends. We also discussed the possibility of putting up a show together after this one is done.

Ok, I have to go. I have to call my parents immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone have a wonderful weekend.

Mine is already starting out in the most life changing way.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!

In reverence to all of those innocent lives lost on September 11th, 2001, this journal will have no post today.

Instead, please take a minute out of your day to pray for the souls of both the victims and the perpetrators of this horrifying act of terrorism.

Aside from that, do what you need to do to get yourself through the day.

And

No matter how angry you may still be, please remember that God judges each human being’s heart.

Not us.

I thank Jesus that no one close to me was hurt or killed as a result of this tragedy.

Peace.

I screwed up the links yesterday, so I am going to give another shout out to my friend over at Inya Head.

Loving you already my man.

Everyone else should jump on board with him.

Inya Head

Last night’s rehearsal was groundbreaking for me.

I have a monologue in the show that requires me to invest a lot of emotion into it. Until last night, I wasn’t able to bring myself to the point that I needed to be at. I’ve been working on it for quite a while and have hit a few obstacles. Last night, by the end of the monologue, I was able to bring myself to tears. I cried!! It’s exactly where I need to be for the monologue. It felt so exhilarating and good! Crying on stage is just about the hardest thing for any actor to do. It requires full investment in the subject material and confidence in yourself in order to allow true tears to come forth. When rehearsal was over, I felt emotionally spent, but I also felt like an actor that could conquer the world. Having not performed in over 3 years has given me quite a few doubts within myself. But last night changed all that. I am the actor that I used to be.

On the flip side, Ian and I are getting closer as friends, but the relationship is taking a turn for the irritating. We have this thing where we bust each other’s balls from the beginning of rehearsal until the end. As each rehearsal comes and goes, the ball busting gets more and more intense. I guess this is what straight guys and gay guys do to each other when they are trying to form a friendship. I don’t know. I haven’t had a straight guy friend in a while.

Also, Ian won’t keep his hands off of me. Last night we took rehearsal pictures for the website (btw, they came out great!) and I was wearing a pair of suspenders. (My character is a loser…I wasn’t wearing them because I thought they were fashionably acceptable…please) Ian kept running his hands up and down them and snapping them on my back and blah blah blah. It was flirting in its purest form. Then, while the cast was sitting and discussing the show, Ian puts his hand on my knee and starts massaging my leg. I acted as though I wasn’t paying attention, assessing how long he was going to continue the rub down. He rubbed for a good 20 seconds and then I looked at him and he smiled. My response was “Take your hand off my leg or I am going to take this to a level that you won’t be comfortable with.” His response was “Try me”. Yeah…ok Ian.

Kelly and I discussed this for a bit on the commute home and we both agreed that Ian just doesn’t know how to be around gay guys. At least not gay guys like me. Ian has numerous gay acquaintances, but he, according to him, has “none that are like me”. Meaning, that he has none that are as easily accessible as I am. Meaning that I am pretty straight acting, good looking, and cool. How’s THAT for a mid-entry ego boost?

I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to kiss me. I do think Ian wonders what it would be like to use his friendship with me as an opportunity to explore some of the thoughts and feelings that he has dealt with in the past. However, he is 24 years old and in a relationship with a girl for over 3 years. He’s not gay. But he is curious. And why wouldn’t he be? I represent the straight man’s outlet for sexual exploration. I don’t say this in a cocky way at all. I say this in a “I have been in this situation with straight men dozens of times before” way. Ian doesn’t realize that I know every move he’s going to make before he does. This shit has happened to me with so many guys before, that basically I could predict his next move.

At one point, Ian called me a “bitch”. Now, as Ari knows and as most of my friends know, I do not accept that word as a description of myself. Sure, I can be a bitch. What human being can’t? But for a straight man to call me a “bitch” is totally emasculating and it is something that I refuse to tolerate. I didn’t ream him for it, but I made my point clear. “Don’t call me that word. You won’t like the bitch that I can really be.” He laughed it off and called me it again 20 minutes later.

Friday night we are going out for drinks and all of these issues will be addressed. While it’s fun for me to have a friend crush on Ian, it is nothing that I take too seriously. Ideally, I’d love to walk away from this experience with a straight guy friend. A guy that I can hang with, bullshit with, explore different aspects of my personality with. But this is all to be determined by the way we treat each other over the next couple of weeks.

We shall see…

NOW!

In related news…Rita, you are never going to believe this…

The last time I performed in Stupid Kids, my friend Mark played the part that Ian is currently playing. I had a HUGE crush on Mark during the show and although Mark is straight, Mark is one of the guys that I coincidentally turned gay for a little while. Mark and I have spent nights in each other’s bed, we have kissed each other, we cried together, we became very close. After I graduated, we continued to keep in touch, but the relationship was strained because he is straight and I am gay and we crossed the line. (see what I am saying about having been through this situation before? And Mark is just the tip of the iceberg)

I emailed him to let him know that I was in Stupid Kids and he just wrote me back and told me that he is going to come! I have only seen Mark once since I graduated from college, so this is a pretty big deal to me. Having him in the audience is a thrill for me and will give us a chance to get to know each other again. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Mark. He is one of the most immature and beautiful men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He just joined up with the grad. school program at the university that employs me. I have a feeling that Mark and I have a lot more history to make together before we move on to different parts of our lives.

Look at me with all of my boys splayed out.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a quadrillion times, I am boy crazy. I will be 85, and done with 2 wonderful marriages and will STILL be talking about how I made this guy gay, this guy cry, and this guy want to kill me.

It’s just the way that it goes in the life of Joe CuttheShit.

Welcome to two new friends!

Most importantly...

Inya Head

and second most importantly is:

Cornsmut

YO YO YO!

YoYo Ma.

I have just finished going through our “Clothing Pantry” at work in order to find a costume for the show. My character is a huge loser, so I figured that a clothing pantry would be the best place to try to find my character something to wear. I have chosen a pair of green pants that fit pretty well, but are totally out of style. They remind me of an Old Navy-esque khaki from like 1996. Perfect. The shirts I picked are both button downs and of a sickly color. AND, the find of the day…a set of 3 Stooges suspenders. Now, how’s THAT for loser? I’m not sure that this will be my final costume, but it’s a good start.

We are taking some rehearsal pictures tonight to put up on the Theater Company’s brand new website! It’s all pretty exciting. We are in the process of sending out reminder postcards to everyone that received a mailing about the show and let me tell you….the postcards are AWESOME! I am SO excited. From what I hear, the website is going to be PRETTY bomb. Working with this company was such a good idea.

Don’t forget that we are still taking donations for the show. Just in case you wanted to throw a couple bones our way. I am so blessed to have had my friends in NYC throw me some cash, as well as a couple friends of mine from school. One friend, in particular, sent me $25 and I was shocked! Of all of my girls from school, this girl and I aren’t the bestest of friends, but she totally supported me in my theater endeavor and proved to me that she really does care about what I’m doing in NYC. I was overwhelmed by her generosity.

I sent out an email yesterday telling everyone to make reservations for the show and you would not BELIEVE the response I got. The theater space that we are using only holds about 40-50 people at a time. At this point, I have already reserved 30 tickets just for people that I know. And more are on their way! I love that the space holds such few people because it makes the performance so intimate, and allows the audience to really be a part of the production. The only downfall is that once all of the tickets are reserved for a certain night, we have to turn people away or offer them standing room only. I’m a bit nervous that some of my friends who let things go to the last minute will not be able to go, or at least not on the night that they would prefer.

Gah! I worry about too much. God will take care of it all. I just have to let it happen.

Had another horrifying dream last night.

In the dream I was in the house I grew up in. It was nighttime and my parents, brother, and I were watching a movie. We see a flickering light outside and I go over to the window to see what’s going on. About a block away, I see a friend of mine’s house totally engulfed in flames. I can hear people screaming from inside. I call out to my parents and brother who run over to the window and we all stand there watching the house burn down. There seems to be no one else on the street. All I can hear is the crackling of flames and people screaming to be helped.

I lean against the window and realize that it’s hot. My parents grab me by my shoulders and pull me back into the depths of the living room. Without warning, the windows blow in and flames shoot all over the couch, walls, carpet, etc. My brother and parents open a door and run into our basement. (A basement that we didn’t have while living there. I don’t know WHY I created that in my dream) When I went to join them in the basement, the stairs collapsed and fire spread all over the entrance. I called out to my parents, but there was no sound. They were gone.

I ran through the house trying to find an exit, but couldn’t. My heart was pounding in my chest as I started to realize that I wasn’t going to make it out of the house alive. I found my bedroom door ajar and ran into the room and barricaded it. I sat down on the bed, knowing that I was trapped, knowing that I was going to die. After a few moments, the bedroom door burst open and flames went everywhere. I backed up against the wall and it was then that I woke up.

I woke up from the dream around 6am this morning and was unable to fall back to sleep. All I could hear in my head was the screaming from my next door neighbors begging to be helped. And I couldn’t get the image of my parents disappearing into the basement out of my head. The clock ticked by until the alarm clock eventually went off and I got out of bed. It was horrible.

I don’t know why I keep having these bad dreams. Some people say that nightmares are a sign that things in your personal life are in upheaval. That is true for me. Everything is so hectic, crazy, and unstable for me right now that it makes perfect sense that my subconscious would be going nuts. It would just be nice to wake up one morning and NOT feel like I am going to burst into tears.

Ah well…

I am so excited for rehearsal tonight. Not only are we having people take pictures, we are going to have a mini-audience. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

Everything is starting to come to a head and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

To all of the obsessed Real World/Road Rules people:

For reasons that I can't explain...

The information about Colin and Melissa from The Real World has been removed.

Sorry to disappoint!

Happy Monday!

Sick. Never.

But I did have an incredible weekend! I was so busy that I never had a chance to sit around. I love weekends like that. I felt so productive and important. It was such a wonderful change of pace. And I came out of it a father. But I will explain that in a minute.

Friday night I had drinks with my two loves, Angie and Kelly. We had planned to go out with some friends of ours, but ended up having such a good time the three of us that we opted out of it and partied in my apartment. After hours of drinking and singing and playing games, the three of us went out to a nice restaurant and spent the money we WOULD have saved on dinner. It was terribly fun. After we were finished eating, Kelly and I walked home and ran right into the star of Take Me Out. (Kelly had taken me to see this Broadway play in July and we were thrilled to see the lead guy!)

Saturday was the day to end all days.

I got up at 8:30am to talk to my brother. We spoke for about a half an hour and then I showered and went down to the rehearsal space to knock down one of the walls. Yes. You read that correctly. Little gay Joe put on some work gloves and joined Ian in ripping down the kitchen area that was taking up too much room in our space. It was so manly and fun and I had plaster in my hair until this morning. I think everyone was a bit surprised at hot strong and aggressive I can be once given the chance. It was hot.

At around 1:30pm, the owner of the space came in to check on our progress and freaked out at the fact that we were sawing one of his countertops in half. (Needless to say, we had gotten prior permission) This joke of a man (weighing easily 2,359 pounds) screamed at all of us until I basically told him to go fuck himself. He stormed out and came back 20 minutes later to continue the verbal berating. I went out to have a cigarette to calm myself down. (I can’t STAND people belittling my friends, especially when it was clearly not justified) When I came back into the building, fat fuck was still yelling at everyone. I joined the rest of the group in trying to explain to him that he was acting like a psycho. Suddenly Ian, who remained quiet during most of it, BLEW UP! He started screaming at the owner, in the same way that the owner was screaming at the girls.

It got way out of hand.

Before we knew it, Ian and the owner were standing in the hallway, screaming at the top of their lungs, spit flying all over the place. Their chests were puffed out against each other and then Ian screams: “Go ahead! Hit me fucker. Hit me once and I’ll knock you on your ass!” (told you Ian was MAN!) I immediately ran over, put my arms around Ian and took him outside. (Side note---I thought Ian might shove me aside, but instead he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and let me take him with me---it was very sweet and wonderful) Once outside, Ian and I talked about what happened and I was able to calm him down.

Inside, the owner was freaking out, but the girls eventually calmed him down as well. Luckily it all worked out and everyone left on decent terms. It was fucking crazy and the closest I have ever come to getting into a fight. Although, clearly I was not in the fight. You understand.

After all this shit went down, we all went for some food and beverages at Applebees. Ian and I both ordered a mug of beer, which turned out to be a pitcher each. He and I sat next to each other and play flirted the whole time, while the 5 of us talked about the day’s adventures. Ian and I moved our date to this upcoming Friday. Man, I just love hanging out with this kid.

Instead of going home, Kelly and I went over to see our friend Mariah who is going through a life crisis. She asked me not to write about what’s going on with her in this journal, so I won’t. But basically, things in her life have gotten severely out of control. Kelly and I hung with her for a couple of hours, until we were sure that she was going to be ok. After that, we headed home.

When we got to the front of our building, we noticed that somebody had abandoned an adorable hamster on the sidewalk. It had all of the food and bedding with it, so we thought that maybe somebody was moving out and that they were going to pick him up soon. We spoke to our landlord about it and he said that the hamster had been sitting there for most of the day. We immediately picked up the cage and brought him inside.

Once we got up to our apartment, Kelly and I ran around trying to get everything set up for him. Out of nowhere, Kelly starts screaming for me to join her in my bedroom. When I arrived there I immediately saw why she was screaming. Instead of one hamster, there were two!!! We BURST out laughing and named them “Kimberly and Neechee” (Our character names in our show). We cleaned the cage and set them up in a lap of luxury.

And let me tell you, these little boogers are so friendly and CUTE! I have no idea why somebody would have dropped them off on the curb. They love to eat out of your hand and when I woke up this morning and turned on my light, they woke up too and stood with their legs pressed against the side of their cage. They were saying “Good morning!” I rewarded them with some hand fed sunflower seeds.

We think Kimberly is pregnant. She doesn’t run around as much as Neechee does. And Neechee caters to her every whim. Kimberly always sleeps in this little tin can that came with the cage and last night, when she got out to get something to eat, Neechee ran inside the can and tried to go to sleep. Kimberly walked around for a little bit and then crammed herself into the can with Neechee. I watched closely as Kimberly shoved Neechee out of the can and took it back as her own. It was hysterical! And reminded me a lot of guy-girl relationships. Or guy-guy relationships, considering the fact that I am SO Kimberly in mine.

I still haven’t decided what to do if Kimberly gives birth. I will probably just let the babies stay in the cage so that Neechee can eat them alive. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t have 35 hamsters living in my bedroom. Plus, babies are probably a really good source of protein. Neechee will grow up to be big and strong.

I just love them. I feel like Kelly and I rescued them from dying and now I want them to be my babies forever. I went to K-mart yesterday and bought one of those little hamster ball things so that they can run around my bedroom whenever they want. They just love it.

So yeah, what a great weekend it was! I am a proud father of two beautiful hamsters, I got to spend quality time with Ian and Paul, had a great time with Angie and Kelly, and even got to sleep in late on Sunday. Ahh, the life.

Now, back to a week’s worth of intense rehearsals. But I’m excited about it.

Everything is going so well and I am truly happy.

Administrative Assistants shouldn’t work nearly as hard as I do.

Nuff said.

So, yesterday was the most chaotic day of my life. Among other things, I was once again reminded that not only is this journal popular, it’s way too public. A good friend of mine was hurt by something I wrote in these pages after she stumbled across the site. Then I was asked to remove certain items from my journal that was destroying someone’s very guarded privacy. I didn’t want to remove this stuff, but since I care so deeply about the people in my life, I thought it only fair to do what was asked of me. Could this journal BE any more censored?

It’s sad, to say the least, and I feel terrible about what happened. Reason #1 why I don’t give out this journal’s web address to my friends. There is always the chance that someone will read something and not understand the way in which it was intended. This is MY journal. No one else’s and I hate having to make excuses for it. But I guess that’s the problem you run into when you post thoughts and information in a public domain. Fuck it. It’s over. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Rehearsal last night was INTERESTING.

I have been writing lately about how Ian, the guy in the show with me, is becoming my new straight man crush. Well, let me explain a bit better.

I don’t go for straight guys unless I have just cause. In fact, I am so over the whole straight boy thing at this point that I find it a waste of my time to flirt and play around with this type of ridiculous activity. That’s why this thing with Ian is throwing me for a loop. It’s been a long time since I have had a straight guy flirt with me for no apparent reason.

For example…here are some statements that came out of Ian’s mouth in the last 48 hours that have lead me to believe that he has some sort of special connection with me. (Aside from the fact that we are actors together in the same production)

To the director and Stage Manger, he said: "Sure, I will come and help out on Saturday. Make sure to bring gloves, hammers, beer, and….Joe."

To the director he said: "We need to figure out a way to get down the stairs before the next scene. Why doesn’t Joe give me a piggy back down (them)?" I responded with "Ian, YOU should be the one that gives ME the piggy back. You’re the man in this relationship." He responded by winking at me.

To me he said: "I was thinking about you last night and was going to call. But then I thought that you would think that was fucking weird." I responded with "Yeah, that is fucking weird."

On top of these little blurbs that come out of his mouth, he is consistently paying more attention to me than he is anyone else. He is constantly wrestling around with me and punching me and staring at me and…

Without sounding like a total egocentric idiot, he is acting the way that all of the other straight guys I bedded have acted. I am still a firm believer that Ian is straight and I have worked very hard at not giving him any reason to believe that I have a friendly little crush on him. I find him to be so adorable and fun. That’s all. But I do like the fact that he shows me this extra attention. It’s just so reminiscent of the days of college. The days when I would make straight guy friends discern if they could be even partially gay and then have them kiss me and hold me in my bed. I just have this way. Ask any of my friends.

So, I am pretty excited to spend Sunday afternoon with him, drinking beers and getting to know each other outside of rehearsal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a new BOYFRIEND or even a HOOK-UP. I am very happy with Paul and how things are going between us. It’s just FUN to have this type of thing going on. Ian’s an awesome guy and I hope to be proud to call him my friend. Friend that wants to hold me in my bed.

Sike.

So that’s it.

I gotta go home now. It’s already 2:15pm and I am STILL at work. But I didn’t want to leave without telling everyone to have an EXCELLENT weekend!

So…..have an EXCELLENT weekend!

When I was in the Pocono’s this weekend I had the most horrifying dream about my brother.

In the dream, all of my friends and family and random people from my life were staying at a condo together. (not much unlike the condo I was at while away this weekend) My brother was home from the war, but he still had on his fatigues and other ARMY getup. We were all having an excellent time together when my brother announced that he was going to step outside for a minute. He left the condo and I went to the window to watch him walk down the stoop. He turns and puts his head against the wall and out of nowhere, this Iraqi looking person runs up behind him, puts a gun to the back of his head and blows it right off. Right in front of me.

I burst into hysterics, but after that everything gets a bit fuzzy. Everyone surrounds me and comforts me and I cry and cry and cry. Moments later everyone goes on with their weekend as though nothing has happened. Every time I think about my brother, I begin to cry again. I can still remember the heartache I felt in my chest. My friends gathered around me and told me that I “just needed to get over it and to move on.” When I kept sobbing, they got a little more forceful about it and said “It’s over. He’s dead. You need to let it go.” The rest of the dream was spent with me sobbing and nobody doing anything to make it any better.

It was horrible.

When I woke up, I was still in the Pocono’s. I immediately told Rita and a couple of other people about the dream and they were incredibly supportive. But still, I have a hole in my stomach when I think about it. Oddly enough, my brother called while I was getting my haircut today. I hate when I miss his call. Especially after that disgusting dream. Ugh…I gotta try to let it go somehow.

Thank God it is almost Friday. My job is wearing me the fuck down. I have NO time for play and it is driving me MADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Mad with 14 D’s of course. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 19 A’s.

I have been in an excellent mood all week, despite the chaos that is my life. I think I am most happy when I am busy. I have no time to sit around and think about what a sad sack I can be. I work best in overdrive. But eventually the stick will burn out and I will need a break. But for now…I push through with a smile.

Ian, the guy in the show with me, asked me to go out for drinks with him this weekend. I had mentioned it to him a couple of weeks ago and he loved the idea. Last night he says “Joe, do you want to go out this weekend?” Elated, I say “Yeah, sure” (still trying to play it cool). He responds with “It will be our little date”. Immediately I had to shut him out. Don’t be cute with me Ian, or I will immediately fall head over heels in love with you. God, it seems like no matter how old I get, straight men will always be my lust men of choice. They are just so inherently MANLY!

Ian also has this new thing where he pinches me and punches me and slaps me all the time. I guess that’s what straight guys do with other straight guys, but um…I like it too much. Next time he slaps me, I am going to wrestle him to the ground and kiss him on his man mouth. You understand.

Did you hear that Justin Timberlake is the new spokesperson for McDonald’s? The commercials will air in the US starting on September 29th. Get ready for major overload of the Timberlake. He’s going to drive his career right into the ground with this shit. Can anyone say “over-exposure”? Britney did it to herself and now she is lovehated by everyone on the planet. So when Justin starts with his “I’m lovin it” (his catch phrase) nonsense, make sure not to shit directly onto your television. That’s just a mess to clean up.

Peace out jiggaz.

TOMORROW IS FUCKING FRIDAY!

FUCK!

(fuck in a good way)

Holy fuckin fuck!

Work has been a madhouse for the last two days! I thought I was busy before…OMG! I’m not kidding when I say that I broke a sweat about 15 minutes ago. I decided that sweat was totally unnecessary and that it was time for me to start taking my job a little less seriously. In which case, I write a quickie entry in my journal.

Unfortunately, due to the craziness of the office place I am going to be unable to do a VMA recap. This is what I will tell you: The show basically sucked, with the exception of the over-hyped Britney/Madonna/Christina kiss. The performance by Beyonce was decent until it exploded with energy and excitement right at the end. That bitch can dance AND sing. She was amazing. Justin was too high on his britches for the entire show. (Bitch didn’t even peform!) He acted like such a cocky asshole and I think I might be starting to lose my interest in that playboy. He is SO getting on my nerves. Humility, anyone? That’s about it. The rest of the show was chock full of the same people up for the same awards (50 Cent, Justin, Beyonce, Snore). I was just glad that I had a bottle of wine while watching it. Made it a bit less painful to watch. Based on past years’, this VMA show totally blew. And you KNOW how much I love MTV. It MUST HAVE sucked for me to have nothing to write about.

Last night I went to Paul’s apartment after an INCREDIBLE rehearsal. I saw the space that we are using for the show and within the first hour, I fell completely in love with it. There is a TON of work that needs to be done there and I wonder how it’s all going to get finished in time, but I can see why Kelly and Megan would have wanted to go forward with it. It’s pretty busted, but the playing space is PERFECT! And SO much fun to do the show in. I’m pretty excited. And honestly…I don’t give a shit if people feel weird about the building. They’re there to see a show! And a damn good one at that.

So, when I got to Paul’s apartment, I found a HUGE basket filled with all sorts of presents for me. The note attached explained that Paul went out and bought me food for dinner, medicine to get over my cold, and juice, candy, and gum just to make me happy. There was so much to choose from and I was elated! When Paul walked into the apartment after work, I tackled him to the ground and covered him in kisses. I just LOVE him so so much. He is really trying and we are doing so well. I am proud of him and I am proud of our relationship. I love being in love.

This weekend at the Pocono’s was awesome! I played so many card games, including a PITCH tournament that Rita and I won! (we each got $20!) We also played our annual Housemate Trivia game. Rita won that too! We played kickball and I pulled every muscle in both of my legs. (I am currently hobbling everywhere I walk) We went out drinking, stayed in drinking, drank with dinner, drank for breakfast, and drank our own piss. You know, just to savor every bit of alcohol possible. So much partying. No WONDER I felt like garbage on my way home Monday. Being able to have all of us be together was wonderful. There was so much gossip and talks and love…man. I loved every second of it. It was like none of us ever graduated. So little has changed. At least not with our personalities. 3 of the 6 girls (yes, I AM one of the girls) has gotten engaged, so there was a TON of wedding talk. One of the ladies, Jessica, asked me to be in her wedding. Now I’m in TWO! (Rita asked me first and of course is the most important to me)

The thing that stood out to me the most about the trip was that everyone took such good care of me. All of the girls know that I have very little money, due to the overly expensive nature of living in NYC, and they EACH pitched in to make my time enjoyable and on par with everyone else. I contributed $60 towards food and wine, while everyone else put in way more than that. I only paid $50 to stay at the condo, while everyone else paid $150. See what I mean? At no point did I feel embarrassed or like I was slighting anyone. My Rita took good care of me and everyone else followed suit.

I had one of the best weekends ever.

Can’t you tell??

Alright, I gotta go. Work is kicking me in the nuts every chance it gets.

Latas!

Hi EVERYONE!

What a weekend I had! Holy mother fuck it was amazing.

But unfortunately, I am too busy at work to get into it right now. I will tell all stories tomorrow as well as do a mini-yet extremely important recap of the VMA’s.

In order to give you something to read, I have decided to answer the interview questions selected for me by my new and wonderful friend Lux.

Here are your 5 Questions:

1. Who would you cast in a movie about your life?

What an amazing question!
Okay, if I had the choice, I would totally cast Leonardo Dicaprio. To me, he is one of the most genius actors in the entire world. He is believable and truthful in all of his performances. I could watch Leo read a Biology textbook and still find it fascinating. He finds a way to incorporate aspects of himself into every script. To me, that is the key to an honest performance. He is good looking, edgy, and possesses more talent than the Olsen bitches have money. Leo has been my favorite actor for years and I would be PROUD to have him play the part of Joe CuttheShit.

2. If you had to give up pizza or soda, which one would you choose?

Impossible to answer, but since I must…I must. Goodbye pizza. Goodbye. Soda is a complete staple in my life. To me, it is sugary, carbonated water. And from what I know, people are supposed to be drinking gallons of water every day. Works for me. But I would miss pizza (EXTREMELY) for the rest of my sad existence. In fact maybe I will get a slice today just to remind myself how lucky I am to not have to make a choice.

3. How did you discover blogs and why did you start blogging?

My dear friend Rita had a blog that was very successful and encouraged me to do so myself. In January of 2002, when she moved into our apartment in Queens, she sat down with my housemate Kelly and I and explained to us the fun involved with keeping an online journal. I started mine that evening and have been blogging every since. Most times it’s an excellent release for me. Sometimes it’s a creative way to express myself. And some other times it’s a pure hassle. But I have found that the benefits of blogging clearly outweigh the benefits of NOT blogging. So I still plug away at mine. At least until something else in my life replaces it.

4. Would you rather French-kiss Britney or Christina?

Britney. I would rather HORK on Christina.

5. Where is your favorite place in New York?

My favorite place in New York would have to be my bedroom. But if I couldn’t have THAT as a choice, then I would say that it is a bar called “SPLASH”. It’s a gay bar and I have never seen so many muscle bound men in my life. I very rarely get to go there, since I basically have no gay male friends. But on those nights where I get to dress up, have a vodka tonic and go meet the men of my dreams…oh man, there is nothing like it. Sure, most people would pick their favorite restaurant, or their favorite sight to see, or a place that makes them totally relaxed…Joe CuttheShit picks the place that has the most muscle. YEM.

THE END!

The Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Have a great night all!

Be back tomorrow with full details.